I am puke
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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