I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
