he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
