just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
