There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
