smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
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