never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
