its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
