Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
