I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
