and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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