i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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