If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Randomize
