If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Randomize
