You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
