Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
