At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Randomize
