Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Randomize