On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You can't special order awesome
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
