Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
