its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Randomize
