the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize