also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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