I saw his package. It spoke to me.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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