just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Randomize
