my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Randomize
