There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
