My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
