I wish I could teleport
i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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