i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
