The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
