i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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