Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
