Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
