we have pet lesbian snakes
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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