the day after is always just damage control
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
