no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
