I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
