everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
