so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Randomize
