the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Randomize
