I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
