my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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