My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
