Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
