The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize