Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
