we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
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