let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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