The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
i believe in u and ur pee
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
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