Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
These tits shall not be calmed
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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