People in love make me want to vomit
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
