My liver just broke up with me...
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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