Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
