Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
