I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
The Olympian is in my bed
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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