sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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